Artist

I don't know about you but when I was a kid I had a few ideas of where I was going in life and I thought they were pretty reasonable.

Since the beginning of my life I have always wanted to be an artist. Nothing famous, nothing glamorous just an artist. I would picture myself with a little beret, an easel, with a pallet of colours in my hand and just standing by the windowsill painting my life away. This was a dream I could have back then because when you're in Kindergarten, things like money, the bills, supporting a family never once crossed my mind. The fact that I wasn't exactly a talented painter or at the time colour-er ( my easel was my colouring book), wasn't even apparent. If I believed long enough that I would be a painter, it would happen.
If my memory is correct my best friends Johny wanted to be a bank-robber and Ella something girly like a ballerina. Amanda wanted to be a cop but looking back on it I guess we all just fit the stereotypes for our personalities. Johny always got into trouble, Amanda always bossed around and had fits if we didn't obey, while Ella acted like a princess and never got into trouble.
It was so simple then, the question of what we wanted to be when we grew up. If you asked us what we planed to do with our lives once we were out of school there wouldn't be a second pause between your question and my answer: artist.
I'm not sure when that dream vanished -did it vanish? It might just have been misplaced but I doubt I'll ever find it again. I think all the years of struggling in elementary school, to try and match the skills of my peers in art class might have set me back a bit but I still can't pinpoint the exact moment I gave up being an artist.
I'm also not sure when I decided to try acting. Ellie my mother, says it was when I was 7 and played Mama Bear in the school play. She says I came out and said 'being on stage is the best thing in the whole world' -I was right then, it is the best thing or at least one of them but I don't really remember it.
I think it was my 'depression' (I say that world loosely I wasn't clinically depressed just unhappy -what 7th grader wasn't unhappy) that lead me to focus on acting as a career. I hated my middle school and acting (more Wexford School for the Arts Drama Focus Program) was my way out! So I worked really hard for the 2years in order to make it to Wexford and I wanted to be an Actress.
I later decided although I love acting I didn't want to spend my life chasing dead-end jobs so ironically I decided to pursues being a writer. I love writing, I want to write children's stories and perhaps even have a column in a magazine or something but I'm smarter enough to know I need a plan.
I'm not giving up on writing or even acting to be honest, I love those things and I believe I can still be a writer but I need a career I've been considering a few things but I can't have a desk job and I don't want to be a teacher. I believe teaching is a highly respectable job and perfect for some people and most definitely I know the world needs teachers but it's not for me, I have my reasons and no matter how many people tell me I should be one I don't want to.

ICK! When did life get so complicated??? -The question of a lifetime I know.

My friend Shirley said the scariest thing the other day. "We're almost 20, if we're not in L.A by the time we're 20 what are we doing with our lives?" It's like too late to make it. I know logically that the fact that we're going to be 20 is irrelevant to anything in life but a tiny tiny portion of brain can't help but scream 'aaaahhhhhh she's right'.

What to do, what to do??????
I know I'll figure it out sooner or later...